Getting Off the Rollercoaster

I realized Sunday morning, when I woke up with this sick feeling of dread sitting on my chest like a 60 pound weight that I'd had enough of this irrational fear. I resolved a long time ago never again to allow fear to hold so much sway over my life.

I confessed this fear. Sure, it's natural and not a thing was wrong about me being concerned for J. He is, after all, "in harm's way" and I love him. Of course I'm going to be worried about him. BUT, it is not ok to feel a constanst sense of dread. That reveals a basic mistrust in God's protection and an unwillingness to be in line with God's plan; even if I don't understand it.

I asked God to forgive me for doubting His provision for both J and me. I asked Him to continue to watch over J and to help me keep my eye on the ball.

I laid down after church because I'd given myself a sick headache from the last several days of all of that agonizing. When I woke up and checked my email, ther were THREE messeges from J.

He is alive. I know where he is. I know that he has made provisions for somebody to contact me in the event that something bad should happen. I know he loves and misses me.

As I went to rehearsal last night and tonight, I felt back to my "old" self. Focused, secure in myself and in firm control of my own emotions. Am I still worried about J? Of course I am. I will continue to worry until he steps off that plane, next year. But am I going to allow that worry to destroy my peace of mind? Not anymore.

God is either who He says He is or he's not. If he is, then I have nothing to worry about. If He's not, then it doesn't matter anyway.

On that note, I'll sign off. Go0dnight, friends.

ps. Rehearsal was great. We did "Where's My Shoe" and "Ice Cream." I just love that scene. It's really the first time that we get to see Georg and Amalia having "moments" and where we begin to think that there might be a happy ending after all. *sigh* I just love this show.