I like tidy. Messy bothers me.
The problem with grief is that it is extraordinarily messy. It spills over the edges of my compartmentalized emotional filing system. It refuses to stay in its tidy little box. Everything grief touches is then tinged with gray.
I was overcome twice today. Once because I thought I saw him and once because Kali jumped up on the bed and he always follows her. Until now.
I imagine making a different choice. Did I do the insulin right? Maybe he just needed a weekend of fluids at the vet. Maybe he would still be with me. *sigh*
I know this kind of thinking is counterproductive but part of the process. He was part of my life a significant portion of my adult years. It is natural I grieve him.
So friends, while I know there will be posts about life in crazyville, Princess Crybaby and Munchkin, it is highly likely you will go through this process with me.
And I promise to try and keep the edges tidy as I am trying to shove this messy heartbroken thing back into its box.
It's good to let the mess just be what it is. If you try to clip the edges it's like the mops in the Wizard's Apprentice with Mickey Mouse, each clipped edge will grow into a whole new grief all its own and instead of going through this mess once you'll go through it a dozen times. It's through my beloved, not around. Love Mom
ReplyDeleteVery true mommy. But that doesn't mean I can't try and tidy up after each little "spill."
ReplyDelete