Definition: noun. Fearful anxiety
I have strong mixed feelings about returning to work.
I hate the idea of putting Princess Crybaby in daycare during the most important time of her development. I know this is what has to happen but I don't like it.
At the same time, I want to get back so I can see what is waiting for me - good or bad.
Not standing on solid ground at work is maddening. I am tired of always feeling like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
I fail to grasp the reason I should constantly question my value to the team or whether I'm even part of the team anymore. It's tiresome.
During the time of instability, at least I knew where I stood. Knew I was needed. Hey, they came to me. Now, I'm not so sure.
I am not afraid of change and know I bring a lot to the table. The question is, will I have an invite to the table when I get back?
Then there is the matter of wanting to be at home full-time but not knowing if that will ever be possible. I can make the math work in theory but we all know reality is rarely as tidy as theory.
*sigh*
We just did it. Gave up a lot of material/financial stability and just did it. I look back, from time to time, and think, "Well, if I had stayed in college and developed a career we could ... pay this debt off, buy a bigger house, take a vacation more often, buy the kids clothes when they need them vs. when the 'clothing envelope' has enough cash in it." But I honestly wouldn't trade those days for anything. They are so big now - and it's so different - I'm glad I've been here for all of it. But, when I go visit my sister who has 1 baby and they have 2 incomes.. and her house is so nicely appointed, and they drive nice cars, and they have a lot of money in a savings account... I always think, "Hmmm..." In other words... I don't know that there's a right answer. I didn't have "healthier" kids b/c I stayed home. I didn't have more secure kids b/c I stayed home. I didn't avoid all behavioral issues w/kids b/c I stayed home... I didn't lose weight while breast feeding either. I think you just have to make the best decision you can and then lead your little kids through that decision. And then always be introspective, but never self-destructive in that internal critique. You do have a lot to bring to the table at work - and at home. I do really believe that society, including women, do not truly understand the inherent value of a full-time stay-at-home wife/mother. At the same time, I understand the inherent value of a woman who can support herself and who can be a strong example of a modern-day woman for her children AND husband!! LOL
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