I'm pretty sure that this is becoming a habit. Not sleeping enough is draining me and it makes me more likely to experience the insomnia that has plagued me over these past months. I don't know why I'm not sleeping. It's not that I'm not tired. If I would turn the lights off and lay down, I feel like I would be asleep in moments. But here I sit. Watching the clock, knowing 6am is coming pretty fast.
I am so tired of being alone. Why can't I find him? He has to be out there. This is really getting to be unbearable. I didn't cry over Paige. I didn't cry over Joseph. I find it increasingly difficult to cry at all. Oh sure, I can cry at songs or sad movies but real life? Not a drop. I feel more and more closed off. My cynicism has reached an all-time high. What if I finally find him but find it impossible to let my guard down? What if I have done such a good job locking my heart away that I can't find the way back out?
I started to watch Law & Order - one of my very favorite shows. They described a gunshot wound and the detective mentioned stipling and I saw Goldsin's autopsy photos in my head. How long will it take to make those go away?
My throat hurts. I'm going to be seriously angry if I can't shake this stupid sore throat soon. I drank water all afternoon, begging the hydration to ease it some. I'm going to take some tylenol and hope for the best. I can't be away from the office any more. Now I'm going into crisis mode for the employee banquet. Again. *sigh*
Well, I guess I'll try and sleep.
Midnight. Again.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
chores
Dang it - I knew I forgot something.
I am so tired. I worked my hiney off today, folks. I didn't get the shelves mounted OR the chairs assembled but I think that's because I'm afraid to try. I'm not mechanically inclined and it's bound to irritate me to try and discipher the instructions, written in every language but one I can read.
I'm laying here and my shoulders are sore from all the lifting I did today. And that's not even counting the six boxes of shelves waiting down, in the car! Ug.
Munchkin is a total chatter box. Normally, this wouldn't bother OR surprise me but after a week of near silence; where I was allowed to speak for 10 minutes every three hours or so all week and then she was with her dad the week before - my ears are out of practice. I can't think with her CONSTANT conversation. I find myself looking for a mute button.
It's back to the office tomorrow. I wonder if they've forgotten about me. Maybe they've given my office to somebody else. *laugh*
*yawn* I think there is still coffee in the kitchen. 'night, folks.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
A little better today
Today was better. I slept to a non-offensive hour of 8am and felt better for it. I got up, expecting the cable folks to arrive before noon; only to call and learn that they'd entered the ENTIRE day as the window. *sigh* He finally arrived around 4pm. Oh well. He was very nice and he hooked the cable up in about 20 minutes.
I have TV again! You never really realize how much you've grown to love the incessant drone of bad tv until it's gone. *laugh* I mean, I totally missed the season finale of "America's Best Dance Crew" and I have NO idea who's been eliminated from the house on "Rock of Love 2." Sheesh. I hate admitting I even entertain that second show. It's SO stupid. The only thing I could even stretch to imagine I have in common with the people on there is that we are all HUMANS (although there is enough silicone to really push that on their part).
Anyway, back to today... We went to IKEA this evening and picked up chairs for my dining room table and shelves for my bedroom. Hopefully, before the end of the weekend the boxes of books will be empty and broken down; their contents resting peacefully on the newly installed shelves. God help us - I'm going to assemble something.
Dating is stupid. Have I said that? *laugh* On again, off again. I think my enthusiasm for the project waxes and wanes with the cycles of the moon. Right now, on a scale of 1-10 on the dating enthusiasm scale, I'd say I'm at about a 4.5. Not quite enough to throw my hands up and commit to old maid-dom, but not enough to really shake the trees to see what kind of apples fall out.
I'm tired. I am not prepared for sunday school tomorrow and I think I'm teaching the entire dang lesson. Which, had I found out BEFORE today would have been great but I only read her email (sent at 4pm yesterday) today. I know she has my phone number. So, now I'm scrambling to come up with more activity and structure for 12 rambunctious 1st graders.
*YAWN*
I quit - I'm beat. I can barely keep my eyes open to type and I still have to take a bath and figure SOMETHING out for sunday school tomorrow. 'night
I have TV again! You never really realize how much you've grown to love the incessant drone of bad tv until it's gone. *laugh* I mean, I totally missed the season finale of "America's Best Dance Crew" and I have NO idea who's been eliminated from the house on "Rock of Love 2." Sheesh. I hate admitting I even entertain that second show. It's SO stupid. The only thing I could even stretch to imagine I have in common with the people on there is that we are all HUMANS (although there is enough silicone to really push that on their part).
Anyway, back to today... We went to IKEA this evening and picked up chairs for my dining room table and shelves for my bedroom. Hopefully, before the end of the weekend the boxes of books will be empty and broken down; their contents resting peacefully on the newly installed shelves. God help us - I'm going to assemble something.
Dating is stupid. Have I said that? *laugh* On again, off again. I think my enthusiasm for the project waxes and wanes with the cycles of the moon. Right now, on a scale of 1-10 on the dating enthusiasm scale, I'd say I'm at about a 4.5. Not quite enough to throw my hands up and commit to old maid-dom, but not enough to really shake the trees to see what kind of apples fall out.
I'm tired. I am not prepared for sunday school tomorrow and I think I'm teaching the entire dang lesson. Which, had I found out BEFORE today would have been great but I only read her email (sent at 4pm yesterday) today. I know she has my phone number. So, now I'm scrambling to come up with more activity and structure for 12 rambunctious 1st graders.
*YAWN*
I quit - I'm beat. I can barely keep my eyes open to type and I still have to take a bath and figure SOMETHING out for sunday school tomorrow. 'night
Friday, March 28, 2008
letter
I was one of the jurors at your trial. I heard the evidence and found that the prosecution supplied enough evidence to remove reasonable doubt as to the facts of the case. Furthermore, I considered all the elements and evidence present during the punishment phase and, with the other 11 jurors, assigned you 40 years in prison.
All of that aside, my heart is heavy at the knowledge that we have stripped you of your freedom and liberty. We have declared you for the rest of your natural life a murderer. We have branded you a convicted felon. We did that.
Please know that we did not make either decision lightly or without great care and consideration. All 12 jurors weighed the evidence very carefully; searching for reasonable doubt. Many of us are parents and we spoke at length during the punishment deliberations about your age and how tragic it would be to give up on you; to lock you away and throw away the key.
I hope that, while you are probably angry and deeply grieved at this outcome, you will come to understand and appreciate the position we were in. I hope you are able to see the opportunity to take the next 20 years to learn how to be productive and successful without the false "help" of drugs or gangs. I hope that your life will be changed and you will emerge from prison a reformed man.
The decision was not fun and tears were shed before concensus was achieved. I hope in some small way this letter reaches that place in your heart that is still young. Don't give up hope. The end of this story doesn't have to be a tragedy. Your life CAN be changed for the better from this experience.
Know that I will pray for you every day, Rigoberto. I will pray for your family and for the jail staff around you. I will pray that, if you do not already, you will come to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I will pray that you will be protected from harm while in prison and you will make good choices and learn good behaviors. I will pray that you emerge from prison able to be successful and productive. This is my promise to you.
God bless you,
A member of the Jury
All of that aside, my heart is heavy at the knowledge that we have stripped you of your freedom and liberty. We have declared you for the rest of your natural life a murderer. We have branded you a convicted felon. We did that.
Please know that we did not make either decision lightly or without great care and consideration. All 12 jurors weighed the evidence very carefully; searching for reasonable doubt. Many of us are parents and we spoke at length during the punishment deliberations about your age and how tragic it would be to give up on you; to lock you away and throw away the key.
I hope that, while you are probably angry and deeply grieved at this outcome, you will come to understand and appreciate the position we were in. I hope you are able to see the opportunity to take the next 20 years to learn how to be productive and successful without the false "help" of drugs or gangs. I hope that your life will be changed and you will emerge from prison a reformed man.
The decision was not fun and tears were shed before concensus was achieved. I hope in some small way this letter reaches that place in your heart that is still young. Don't give up hope. The end of this story doesn't have to be a tragedy. Your life CAN be changed for the better from this experience.
Know that I will pray for you every day, Rigoberto. I will pray for your family and for the jail staff around you. I will pray that, if you do not already, you will come to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I will pray that you will be protected from harm while in prison and you will make good choices and learn good behaviors. I will pray that you emerge from prison able to be successful and productive. This is my promise to you.
God bless you,
A member of the Jury
It's Over
The trial that has forever changed my opinion of the justice system is over. Tonight, around 9pm, he was sentenced to 40 years in prison for murder. I signed the page that sent the 18-year old to prison for, at a minimum, the next 20 years.
It was the right decision.
It was a hard decision.
I remember, as a child, when my mother would spank either my brother or me. She would pull us into her lap after she spanked us and, usually with tears in her eyes, talk to us about why she spanked us. She would always say to us, "I never want to do that again." She communicated very clearly that spanking us was not her first choice. It was an unpleasant necessity that she would not choose if it were not the appropriate consequence for our behavior. And she would always communicate how it grieved her to spank us - even though it was justified.
*sigh*
I can sleep tonight knowing that, to the very best of my ability, I helped that young man have his day in court. The verdict rendered was based solely on the evidence presented and not on any bias or pre-arranged assumption any of the jurors had. His punishment was achieved by concensus between all 12 jurors.
Hopefully, this young man will recognize his part in the events surrounding this horrible affair and see the next years for what they were intended: a consequence for his crime, a deterrent from future crime and an opportunity to learn how to change his behavior so that he can become a successful member of society.
While we have denied him forever more the basic freedoms that we, as Americans enjoy; we have by no means denied him his life.
I imagine his face and name will be forever burned into my memory. I imagine the tear-streaked face of his brother and the soft spoken voice of his mother will stay with me long after the trial leaves the headlines. I imagine the testimony of the dead man's broken-hearted father will echo in my mind for many years to come.
It was one of the hardest weeks of my life but it's over and I think I'm a better person for it. I know that we were diligent in considering the aspects of the case and subsequent punishment for the crime.
*sigh*
It was the right decision.
It was a hard decision.
I remember, as a child, when my mother would spank either my brother or me. She would pull us into her lap after she spanked us and, usually with tears in her eyes, talk to us about why she spanked us. She would always say to us, "I never want to do that again." She communicated very clearly that spanking us was not her first choice. It was an unpleasant necessity that she would not choose if it were not the appropriate consequence for our behavior. And she would always communicate how it grieved her to spank us - even though it was justified.
*sigh*
I can sleep tonight knowing that, to the very best of my ability, I helped that young man have his day in court. The verdict rendered was based solely on the evidence presented and not on any bias or pre-arranged assumption any of the jurors had. His punishment was achieved by concensus between all 12 jurors.
Hopefully, this young man will recognize his part in the events surrounding this horrible affair and see the next years for what they were intended: a consequence for his crime, a deterrent from future crime and an opportunity to learn how to change his behavior so that he can become a successful member of society.
While we have denied him forever more the basic freedoms that we, as Americans enjoy; we have by no means denied him his life.
I imagine his face and name will be forever burned into my memory. I imagine the tear-streaked face of his brother and the soft spoken voice of his mother will stay with me long after the trial leaves the headlines. I imagine the testimony of the dead man's broken-hearted father will echo in my mind for many years to come.
It was one of the hardest weeks of my life but it's over and I think I'm a better person for it. I know that we were diligent in considering the aspects of the case and subsequent punishment for the crime.
*sigh*
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
I feel drained of energy. Part of it is the trial. Part of it is a lack of productive work. Part of it is this dang itchy cough at the back of my throat.
Have you ever driven in the fog? You know the cars are right in front of you but you can't see them. You strain your eyes with every bit of energy you have to see what is around you; only to question your own sight. Landscapes that are familiar become hazy and mysterious places. Fog is totally disorienting.
So too is my life these days. So very little is clear and it wears on me.
*sigh*
I guess I'm feeling a little emo tonight. *laugh*
I feel drained of energy. Part of it is the trial. Part of it is a lack of productive work. Part of it is this dang itchy cough at the back of my throat.
Have you ever driven in the fog? You know the cars are right in front of you but you can't see them. You strain your eyes with every bit of energy you have to see what is around you; only to question your own sight. Landscapes that are familiar become hazy and mysterious places. Fog is totally disorienting.
So too is my life these days. So very little is clear and it wears on me.
*sigh*
I guess I'm feeling a little emo tonight. *laugh*
Monday, March 24, 2008
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