midnight

I'm pretty sure that this is becoming a habit.  Not sleeping enough is draining me and it makes me more likely to experience the insomnia that has plagued me over these past months.  I don't know why I'm not sleeping.  It's not that I'm not tired.  If I would turn the lights off and lay down, I feel like I would be asleep in moments.  But here I sit.  Watching the clock, knowing 6am is coming pretty fast. 

I am so tired of being alone.  Why can't I find him?  He has to be out there.  This is really getting to be unbearable.  I didn't cry over Paige.  I didn't cry over Joseph.  I find it increasingly difficult to cry at all.  Oh sure, I can cry at songs or sad movies but real life?  Not a drop.  I feel more and more closed off.  My cynicism has reached an all-time high.  What if I finally find him but find it impossible to let my guard down?  What if I have done such a good job locking my heart away that I can't find the way back out? 

I started to watch Law & Order - one of my very favorite shows.  They described a gunshot wound and the detective mentioned stipling and I saw Goldsin's autopsy photos in my head.  How long will it take to make those go away? 

My throat hurts.  I'm going to be seriously angry if I can't shake this stupid sore throat soon.  I drank water all afternoon, begging the hydration to ease it some.  I'm going to take some tylenol and hope for the best.  I can't be away from the office any more.  Now I'm going into crisis mode for the employee banquet.  Again.  *sigh* 

Well, I guess I'll try and sleep. 

Midnight.  Again.