Trepidation

Definition: noun. Fearful anxiety

I have strong mixed feelings about returning to work.

I hate the idea of putting Princess Crybaby in daycare during the most important time of her development.  I know this is what has to happen but I don't like it. 

At the same time, I want to get back so I can see what is waiting for me - good or bad.

Not standing on solid ground at work is maddening. I am tired of always feeling like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

I fail to grasp the reason I should constantly question my value to the team or whether I'm even part of the team anymore. It's tiresome.

During the time of instability, at least I knew where I stood. Knew I was needed. Hey, they came to me. Now, I'm not so sure.

I am not afraid of change and know I bring a lot to the table.  The question is, will I have an invite to the table when I get back?

Then there is the matter of wanting to be at home full-time but not knowing if that will ever be possible.  I can make the math work in theory but we all know reality is rarely as tidy as theory.

*sigh* 

Barnaby

So there is a frog in our yard and Matt has named him Barnaby.  The frog hangs out on the porch which, with a two month old puppy who eats everything, seems very brave (or stupid - it IS a frog, afterall).

Last night, as we pulled back into the driveway, Matt screeches to a stop; scaring me to death. All the sudden, he jumps out of the car, clapping and shooing a frog, obviously Barnaby, out of the way.  Now all frogs are Barnaby and must be protected from harm.

LOL

no self-examination here, thank you

If I have learned anything in the past two years it is this:

1. 1. No good deed goes unpunished.  If you come up with an idea that will help others, it is sure to be:
   
   
   
   1. more work than you thought it would be;
   
   
   2. more trouble than it's worth
   
   
   3. completely thankless in the end.
   
   
   
   


2. Saying "no thank you" is not an option.  This is an all-you-can-eat not an all-you-care-to-eat project buffet.  You WILL stuff yourself with projects and deadlines until you feel like exploding (or quitting).  You will smile when given another task; no matter how banal or how much of a time suck it presents.  Oh, and while accepting these projects is not optional, neither is anything but perfection on all the other stuff you were supposed to be doing all along but now don't have time to do because your plate is otherwise full. 


3. You WILL receive hateful correspondence and you will suck it up and take it.  There will be no option for recourse, response or retaliation.


4. Self-reflection is not necessary or invited.  You will be told what your mission and objectives are and you will complete these and ONLY these - or else.


5. Working yourself to death is a very good death and should be aspired to by all participants.

In conclusion, while Golden Corral has all-you-can-eat steak, it doesn't mean it's any good.  I generally shy away from buffets because the food sucks and you almost never actually see a value in food versus price.  You'd probably actually save money (and your waistline) if you'd picked one thing from the menu.  I think that lesson bears remembering come October.

Stinkin' Tired

Yes, I know this is part of the deal. Bone-crunching tired is one if the many gifts that come with a new baby.

She is going four hours between feeding at night and sleeping almost three hours at a time. During the day, however, is a different story. She wants to nurse every two hours and won't sleep unless I'm holding her. That makes for days where I look at my list of chores and know they aren't going to get finished.

I know it shouldn't matter that the laundry gets washed and folded but not put away. It shouldn't matter  that the trash can is still sitting out by the curb.  The office is still full of boxes and the garage is a mess.

I guess I just have unrealistic expectations. It's only been two weeks. She is growing and happy and healthy. What more should matter?