midnight

I'm pretty sure that this is becoming a habit.  Not sleeping enough is draining me and it makes me more likely to experience the insomnia that has plagued me over these past months.  I don't know why I'm not sleeping.  It's not that I'm not tired.  If I would turn the lights off and lay down, I feel like I would be asleep in moments.  But here I sit.  Watching the clock, knowing 6am is coming pretty fast. 

I am so tired of being alone.  Why can't I find him?  He has to be out there.  This is really getting to be unbearable.  I didn't cry over Paige.  I didn't cry over Joseph.  I find it increasingly difficult to cry at all.  Oh sure, I can cry at songs or sad movies but real life?  Not a drop.  I feel more and more closed off.  My cynicism has reached an all-time high.  What if I finally find him but find it impossible to let my guard down?  What if I have done such a good job locking my heart away that I can't find the way back out? 

I started to watch Law & Order - one of my very favorite shows.  They described a gunshot wound and the detective mentioned stipling and I saw Goldsin's autopsy photos in my head.  How long will it take to make those go away? 

My throat hurts.  I'm going to be seriously angry if I can't shake this stupid sore throat soon.  I drank water all afternoon, begging the hydration to ease it some.  I'm going to take some tylenol and hope for the best.  I can't be away from the office any more.  Now I'm going into crisis mode for the employee banquet.  Again.  *sigh* 

Well, I guess I'll try and sleep. 

Midnight.  Again.

chores

Dang it - I knew I forgot something. 

I am so tired.  I worked my hiney off today, folks.  I didn't get the shelves mounted OR the chairs assembled but I think that's because I'm afraid to try.  I'm not mechanically inclined and it's bound to irritate me to try and discipher the instructions, written in every language but one I can read. 

I'm laying here and my shoulders are sore from all the lifting I did today.  And that's not even counting the six boxes of shelves waiting down, in the car!  Ug. 

Munchkin is a total chatter box.  Normally, this wouldn't bother OR surprise me but after a week of near silence; where I was allowed to speak for 10 minutes every three hours or so all week and then she was with her dad the week before - my ears are out of practice.  I can't think with her CONSTANT conversation.  I find myself looking for a mute button. 

It's back to the office tomorrow.  I wonder if they've forgotten about me.  Maybe they've given my office to somebody else.  *laugh* 

*yawn*  I think there is still coffee in the kitchen.  'night, folks.

A little better today

Today was better.  I slept to a non-offensive hour of 8am and felt better for it.  I got up, expecting the cable folks to arrive before noon; only to call and learn that they'd entered the ENTIRE day as the window.  *sigh*  He finally arrived around 4pm.  Oh well.  He was very nice and he hooked the cable up in about 20 minutes. 

I have TV again!  You never really realize how much you've grown to love the incessant drone of bad tv until it's gone.  *laugh*  I mean, I totally missed the season finale of "America's Best Dance Crew" and I have NO idea who's been eliminated from the house on "Rock of Love 2."  Sheesh.  I hate admitting I even entertain that second show.  It's SO stupid.  The only thing I could even stretch to imagine I have in common with the people on there is that we are all HUMANS (although there is enough silicone to really push that on their part). 

Anyway, back to today...  We went to IKEA this evening and picked up chairs for my dining room table and shelves for my bedroom.  Hopefully, before the end of the weekend the boxes of books will be empty and broken down; their contents resting peacefully on the newly installed shelves.  God help us - I'm going to assemble something. 

Dating is stupid.  Have I said that?  *laugh*  On again, off again.  I think my enthusiasm for the project waxes and wanes with the cycles of the moon.  Right now, on a scale of 1-10 on the dating enthusiasm scale, I'd say I'm at about a 4.5.  Not quite enough to throw my hands up and commit to old maid-dom, but not enough to really shake the trees to see what kind of apples fall out. 

I'm tired.  I am not prepared for sunday school tomorrow and I think I'm teaching the entire dang lesson.  Which, had I found out BEFORE today would have been great but I only read her email (sent at 4pm yesterday) today.  I know she has my phone number.  So, now I'm scrambling to come up with more activity and structure for 12 rambunctious 1st graders. 

*YAWN*

I quit - I'm beat.  I can barely keep my eyes open to type and I still have to take a bath and figure SOMETHING out for sunday school tomorrow.  'night

letter

I was one of the jurors at your trial.  I heard the evidence and found that the prosecution supplied enough evidence to remove reasonable doubt as to the facts of the case.  Furthermore, I considered all the elements and evidence present during the punishment phase and, with the other 11 jurors, assigned you 40 years in prison.

All of that aside, my heart is heavy at the knowledge that we have stripped you of your freedom and liberty.  We have declared you for the rest of your natural life a murderer.  We have branded you a convicted felon.  We did that.

Please know that we did not make either decision lightly or without great care and consideration.  All 12 jurors weighed the evidence very carefully; searching for reasonable doubt.  Many of us are parents and we spoke at length during the punishment deliberations about your age and how tragic it would be to give up on you; to lock you away and throw away the key.

I hope that, while you are probably angry and deeply grieved at this outcome, you will come to understand and appreciate the position we were in.  I hope you are able to see the opportunity to take the next 20 years to learn how to be productive and successful without the false "help" of drugs or gangs.  I hope that your life will be changed and you will emerge from prison a reformed man.

The decision was not fun and tears were shed before concensus was achieved.  I hope in some small way this letter reaches that place in your heart that is still young.  Don't give up hope.  The end of this story doesn't have to be a tragedy.  Your life CAN be changed for the better from this experience.

Know that I will pray for you every day, Rigoberto.  I will pray for your family and for the jail staff around you.  I will pray that, if you do not already, you will come to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.   I will pray that you will be protected from harm while in prison and you will make good choices and learn good behaviors.  I will pray that you emerge from prison able to be successful and productive.  This is my promise to you.

God bless you,

A member of the Jury

It's Over

The trial that has forever changed my opinion of the justice system is over.  Tonight, around 9pm, he was sentenced to 40 years in prison for murder.  I signed the page that sent the 18-year old to prison for, at a minimum, the next 20 years. 

It was the right decision.

It was a hard decision.

I remember, as a child, when my mother would spank either my brother or me.  She would pull us into her lap after she spanked us and, usually with tears in her eyes, talk to us about why she spanked us.  She would always say to us, "I never want to do that again."  She communicated very clearly that spanking us was not her first choice.  It was an unpleasant necessity that she would not choose if it were not the appropriate consequence for our behavior.  And she would always communicate how it grieved her to spank us - even though it was justified. 

*sigh*

I can sleep tonight knowing that, to the very best of my ability, I helped that young man have his day in court.  The verdict rendered was based solely on the evidence presented and not on any bias or pre-arranged assumption any of the jurors had.  His punishment was achieved by concensus between all 12 jurors. 

Hopefully, this young man will recognize his part in the events surrounding this horrible affair and see the next years for what they were intended: a consequence for his crime, a deterrent from future crime and an opportunity to learn how to change his behavior so that he can become a successful member of society. 

While we have denied him forever more the basic freedoms that we, as Americans enjoy; we have by no means denied him his life. 

I imagine his face and name will be forever burned into my memory.  I imagine the tear-streaked face of his brother and the soft spoken voice of his mother will stay with me long after the trial leaves the headlines.  I imagine the testimony of the dead man's broken-hearted father will echo in my mind for many years to come. 

It was one of the hardest weeks of my life but it's over and I think I'm a better person for it.  I know that we were diligent in considering the aspects of the case and subsequent punishment for the crime. 

*sigh*

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

I feel drained of energy.  Part of it is the trial.  Part of it is a lack of productive work.  Part of it is this dang itchy cough at the back of my throat. 

Have you ever driven in the fog?  You know the cars are right in front of you but you can't see them.  You strain your eyes with every bit of energy you have to see what is around you; only to question your own sight.  Landscapes that are familiar become hazy and mysterious places.  Fog is totally disorienting. 

So too is my life these days.  So very little is clear and it wears on me.

*sigh*

I guess I'm feeling a little emo tonight.  *laugh*

Call me Juror #3

Guess what?

Easter

Whew - another holiday down - can you believe it's already the end of March? 

The midget is in bed but she's STILL not asleep.  I fear a week of late bedtimes has taken hold and now we're going to have to wrangle her into bed all week.  6:30am is going to come REALLY early tomorrow. 

I have jury duty tomorrow - have I mentioned that?  I'm a little curious as to how the process will work but I've got SO much to do - sheesh - what a day to get called.

On the dating front - *yawn*  Oh, nevermind.  I have several prospects but I swear the process itself is a bore.  So, nothing to report. 

Well, it's 9:40pm and I have a decent chance of getting into bed and going to sleep before 1am so I think I'll give it a whirl.

Why am I awake?

It is 2am.  Why am I sitting here with my eyes open?  Ug.  I've resorted to an old sleeping standby:  The Chronicles of Riddick.  I've seen it so many times that I can turn it on and be asleep in fifteen minutes.  Now, I know that sounds like I'm stamping BORING on this movie but I am SO not.  It is visually very fun to watch.  Because I've seen it so many times, I can close my eyes and "watch" it in my head.  To recreate such detailed pictures tires my brain very quickly so I fall asleep really quickly. 

I know that's strange but it works.  Here's hopin'.  'night, folks.  No, really.  I'm going.  Now. 

.

.

.

Ok, now I'm going.

What a Trip!

We're home.  Finally.  We got in about 3am this morning.  We were (of course) delayed out of Newark.  Our flight was supposed to take off at 5:23pm but didn't take off until a few minutes before 10pm; putting us into DFW around 12:30 Texas time.  Add a two and a half hour drive on top and there you have it....

Let me back up and give you the highlights of our trip:

1. Visited major museums:

a. Metropolitan Museum of Art
b. The Cloisters (the Medieval Art collection of the Met)
c. Museum of Modern Art
d. American Museum of Natural History

2. Saw the Sights:

a. Statue of Liberty
b. Ellis Island
c. Wall Street
d. Ground Zero
e. Grand Central Station
f. Radio City Music Hall
g. Times Square
h. Macy's
i. Broadway (no, we didn't see any shows this trip - I'll explain below)
j. Central Park
k. Empire State Building
l. St. Patrick's Cathedral
and LOTS more!

3. Rode every form of transportation (airplane, NJ Transit train, subway, bus and good old walkin') available EXCEPT a taxi - Mom didn't want to.  *laugh*

I am a total mass transit pro now.  I can tell you that, if you want to get to times square, you should take the N. 1 train uptown to 42nd Street.  I can tell you that, if you are at Grand Central Station and you want to eat lunch and then go to the Cloisters and then go back to Penn Station to get back to the hotel (in Newark), you need to take the subway shuttle over to Times Square and then walk the underground tunnel to the A Express Train WAY uptown (190th).  Then you can walk the path through Tryon Park to the Cloisters or catch the M4.  To get back, catch the M4, get off at the first stop, take the A BACK to Penn Station and then catch the train (NJ Transit) back to Newark.  Thank goodness for the Metro Pass.  It had unlimited bus and subway rides while we were there so I didn't have to worry about picking the wrong train or missing a stop.  We could double back - which we only had to do once.  (we took an express train rather than a local and we missed our stop for the Museum of Natural History)

Mom's favorite was the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.  I told her Ellis Island was fascinating but it felt like a sad place.  My favorite thing we did was the Cloisters.  It is WAY uptown on the very tip of Manhattan but it is WELL worth the trek if you like Medieval art and architecture.  The weather was perfect for the occasion, too..  It was cold and drizzling so a trip to a place that felt like a 13th century monastary was really fun. 

We didn't go to any shows and this is for several reasons: 1. the only show I am foaming at the mouth to see ON BROADWAY is Wicked.  We did go to the Gershwin Theatre but they were sold out except the premium seats ($250/each) so we couldn't go.  2. I didn't want to give up a bunch of sight seeing time seeing musicals that I know by heart and may have already seen in other places. 

My solution to the Wicked issue is that I am going to ride the train into New York when I come to get Munchkin in August.  I always stay the night in New Jersey so it makes sense that I use that time to go into the City with my new subway expertise and go to the show.  *grin*

Anyway, it was super fun.  Watching Mom discover NY pizza, bagels and cream cheese and other food that you can't really have here, laughing together, taking pictures and walking 602 miles across the island of Manhattan.  The locals were super friendly (well, not Texas friendly but they were very polite and very helpful to a couple of Texas hicks).  Like you always hear about folks in Europe, they appreciated our attempt to respect that it is their home not just a tourist trap.  We tried to speak their language, walk faster than normal so we weren't in the way, move to the right if we were going to walk slowly or stand still on the escalators and try not to hold conversations with complete strangers when we were standing in line (I hear that makes them nervous).  *giggle* 

I'm glad to be home and anticipate taking lots of naps to recover from that marathon trip home.

Spring Break Trip

This is the first blog post of our Spring Break trip to New Jersey/New York. 

 

 

We’re in the air and my ears are popping.  I had the foresight to bring gum this time, thank goodness, so hopefully I won’t be near screaming in agony halfway through the flight. 

 

Madison and Mother are a joy to watch.  They are so happy together and are having such fun, looking out the window and teasing each other.  I have given in to the excess of excitement and I am now feeling a bit giddy myself. 

 

What an adventure to be going to New York City.  I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland – never quite certain what I will find next but still excited at the adventure.

 

We’ll go to the hotel and sleep tonight then get up in the morning and plan our attack on the city over breakfast.  Since tomorrow is St Patrick’s Day, I imagine we’ll sleep in and then head to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island first, rather than come up out of Penn Station and fight the parade crowd.  I like people but not that many at once. 

 

I have met a man.  A rancher.  He is born and raised in Texas.  He’s a volunteer firefighter and fulltime rancher.  (does this remind anybody of the man who adopted me?)

 

Speaking of this rancher.  We talk at least twice a day, most days.  I like him.  I feel a familiar comfort, like we’ve known each other a long time – rather than a measly week.  We haven’t met in person yet so we’re still in that blissful shopping phase.  We’re still looking through the IKEA catalog – everything looks so good on paper and in the showroom.  The test will be getting all the damn pieces in the same room and trying to figure out if we can put the furniture together with nothing but a set of irritating allen wrenches and elmer’s glue. 

 

Lord this flight is bumpy.  We’re passing over that spot between the east and west where it is always bumpy.  It’s almost like this is the crossing place between home and, as Munchkin put it to her teacher – a different land. 

 

There’s this Sara Bareilles song “Between the Lines” that reminds me of J.  She talks about living between the lines – having to read truth into every word.  His lies don’t coat my mouth the way they did a couple of weeks ago.  “I can’t continue pretending to choose…” 

 

leave unsaid unspoken

eyes wide shut unopened

you and me always be

between the lines

 

He made my decision easy with his silence – his choice had been made for him.  Even if there was truth in his promises, his silence damned him for the liar he is and it closed the door on whatever might have been. 

 

I’m getting melancholy at this altitude.  *laugh*

 

Munchkin is sitting next to me, playing Mahjongg on my mother’s computer.  Spell check recognizes mahjongg?  How funny is that?  Anyway – she’s really good.  I mean, she got within 20 pairs

 I think this is the most random post I’ve written in a while. 

follow up to last night's post

It's password protected because I didn't want to delete it but it's not something that I care to share with the world wide web, either. 

Last night I had a singular bout of feeling sorry for myself over J.  It lasted about 10 minutes and then I went to sleep.  I woke up this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed - none the worse for wear. 

Hormones are fun, aren't they girls?

So, tomorrow we leave for the Big Trip.  I'm taking Munchkin to New Jersey to spend Spring Break with her dad and his family.  They are both so excited - it's a little exhausting.  *laugh*  I'll be excited once we get there.  The entire process of travelling with a young child is NOT high on my Top 100 Most Fun Things to Do. 



If we can get there with no significant delays it will be wonderful but I'm not holding my breath.  Yet. 

Work this week was good.  Crazy busy but good.  I consider it a personal triumph that yesterday, I climbed a very tall ladder up onto the roof of one of our elementary schools to shoot some photos with the principal who, as the reward for the kids at his school reaching 10,000 Accelerated Reader points, spent the entire day up there.  It was great. 

The weather the last few days has been wonderful.  It snowed last Friday and it was 91 degrees yesterday.  You HAVE to love Texas. 

We won't be getting any bluebonnets this year.  We didn't get a good freeze so they could germinate and then it's been too dry.  We needed rain in January and February but we didn't get enough.  So, we'll have boring highways - like the rest of the country.  Blah.  *laugh* 

I should finish packing my suitcase for the trip but I just can't bring myself to get off of the bed.  It's so soft.  Last night I fell asleep with the laptop in my lap.  How funny is that?

Speaking of packing, I got a little tickled when I realized that I'm packing mostly Temple gear to wear.  I kid you not, I have four Temple tshirts and two Temple hoodies.  Every picture from this next week is going to have a Wildcat in it.  Won't my brother LOVE that?  *laugh* 

Well, folks.  I guess I'll end this.  I'm taking my laptop with me (of course I am) so I can download pictures at the end of the day.  I'll be sure and blog about the trip when we come back to the hotel each night. 

'night!

Cheating

I noticed tonight that I've not being making good food choices and that's why my stomach hurts all the time and I feel so run down.  DUH.  *bang head against wall*   I really noticed it tonight when we went to dinner with some friends and I noticed that she looks FABULOUS and I feel totally blah. 

It started b/c of the move.  Everything was packed and I didn't want to dirty dishes just to wash and rewrap them.  So, we've been eating takeout for three weeks.  YUCK.  Thus the unhappy tummy and waistline.  It'll come off this week - hide and watch. 

It's been a good weekend.  Got some rest that I desperately needed and now I'm ready to attack the week.  Kind of.  *laugh* 

 'night, friends. 

So, as soon as Munchkin quits messing around in her room, I'm going to turn a movie on in the living room and do my thing.  Cutting the sodas out and replacing them with water will wash most of that grossness out.  I don't have a scale b/c I'd obsess over that number in a VERY unhealthy way so I just have to go by how my clothes fit.

Lullaby

Last night, Munchkin found a "new" cd she wanted to listen to at bedtime.  It's a cd I bought when I was pregnant with her.  It's full of disney lullabies.  It's a really sweet little cd.  I remember crying in Target listening to the clip of Baby Mine. 

Well, it happened again last night.  I'm sitting there, listening to her say her prayers with these sweet little songs in the background and I actually teared up.  She's getting so big. 

It's been a good weekend.  But I've got to get ready for church, so I'll blog later.

Moving Day

The furniture movers came yesterday and they were FAST!  They were really nice and they were really careful with our furniture.  I can honestly say it was the smoothest move I've done in a very long time.  Today, K and I finished up with "little stuff" and the art.  Golly, man, all that "little stuff" worked out to be 7 more boxes that, had I done just a little less watching out the window and more packing, the movers would have moved for me yesterday.  Nevertheless, we got it done.  I have one more trip to the old house planned tomorrow, to pick up the paper and bring my hanging clothes. 

For reasons that continue to baffle human understanding, the person formally known as "J" (not my brother) has been banished from our universe - never to return.  I will spare you the gory details but, in short, I made a very disturbing discovery on Thursday that precipitated a complete severance. 

Anyway.  It's not like there was much to go on anyway - he'd been gone 15 months and we "dated" sporadically prior to his departure.  He never met my family and for that singular reason, they never liked him.  Fair enough. 

My brother said the entire saga with he who must not be named is like a really long historical novel.  You spend a lot of time on this really indepth story that appears to be at least partially based on true events.  But you get to the end and it's crappy.  (well, he used another word but you get the point.)  Rather than get really bummed out about a fictional story, you put the book back up on the shelf and go get you another book. 

*laugh*  So, I guess I'm single.  *sigh*  Whatever. 

The move was good.  Hardest work I've done in a VERY long time.  I'm already getting sore.  Tomorrow, I'm going to be hating life.  *laugh* 

Goodnight, friends.